i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
