I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
