im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
