highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
