My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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