i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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