I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
