They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
