I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
