Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
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The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
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I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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