none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Your cock deserves a montage
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
