I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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