If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
