Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
