You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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