thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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