Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
