my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
