i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
