I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
