Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
