I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
