Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
