life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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