Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
this is an emotional support booty call
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
