remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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