then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
