the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
