Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
