why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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