Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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