hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
