I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
