so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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