tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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