My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
