So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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