i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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