I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize