My liver just broke up with me...
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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