I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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