So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
