So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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