if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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