I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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