and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
