Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Randomize
