John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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