I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
