Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
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THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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