I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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