I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
