he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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