You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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