Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
