Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
