Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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