Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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